A brief history of soccer

If you're like me, you have problems watching soccer. Though empirically, the men playing soccer are better looking than men participating in any other sport, it is still with great difficulty that I observe any sporting event where both teams may end a game having scored one or two goals. Riveting, it is not. I am a sports fan who likes goals and baskets - and lots of them. Needless to say, when Jenna came home from school in the fall and informed us that she wanted to play soccer, I was nonplussed. I thought of leisurely Saturday mornings replaced with hours and hours of watching children run around in no organized fashion (it has been said that I have a touch of psychic ability) and also, I thought of grass stains and broken bones (not necessarily in that order).

I vacillated somewhat between dread and anticipation prior to the season's start. But then I thought of purchasing tiny little cleats, and the world seemed bright again...

After volunteering my husband to be the Head Coach of Jenna's soccer team, and after he started speaking to me again, the team started practicing for their first big game. Coach Daddy would come home after practice and get straight into the bourbon in hopes of erasing all of the memories of said practice. After a week or so, I learned to have the bourbon waiting for him at the front door, not unlike a dysfunctional June Cleaver. As the weeks wore on, it became increasingly evident that Coach Daddy was unlikely to turn this group of girls into a well oiled soccer machine. His breaking point came before the first game when practice had to be halted for a full twenty minutes when one of the girls spotted a rainbow.

Though lacking in the competitive spirit, Jenna's team (and, specifically, Jenna) had flair. The verve and panache of which I spoke in a previous entry would prove integral to both this team's lack of success as well as its inability to operate as a cohesive unit. Interestingly enough, my biggest fear of being bored with a lack of scoring would prove to be unfounded. These soccer games contained more points than many NFL games that I have witnessed.

Unfortunately, the points were scored against us rather than by any of our own team members - unless you count the goals that we scored for the opposing teams (which, in retrospect, I do - in order to stave off the flashbacks).

Our first game was very exciting. We lost 6-0; however, we scored two of their goals for them, so technically we lost 4-0. That said, one of the girls on the opposing team was clearly brought in from a Junior High School on the other side of the tracks. She was nine feet tall and she scored their only 4 goals. If we look at this game mathematically, it looks like this:

Goals scored - Ineligble player/Witness Protection Program Participant/Ringer - Inability to locate goal = 0

Technically, I like to think of this game as a 0-0 tie leading me back to my original assessment that soccer does not have enough scoring. That said, it was the most exciting game I had seen up until that point in the soccer world...even if the reality in which I choose to live resulted in a game where there were no net goals scored.

Jenna's contribution to this game was palpable - her very domineering presence on the field was enough to give the other team pause. She played for approximately 15 minutes total, in increments of 4-5 minute stretches. We lost her at one point when she wandered off to the swingsets near the field and the sheer volume of Gatorade the child consumed was impressive. After her first break, she asked if she could have a hot dog. She was denied her request, took her place on the bench and when asked to rotate in for the final 6 minutes she informed us that she was tired and that she did not like to run.

I must admit, however, with regard my initial worries about the soccer experience, it not only came as quite the relief when I found that my daughter would come home with the cleanest uniform on the team, but also once I realized that the liklihood of a broken bone was low due to her proximity to the action on the field. My fears were allayed after the first game; however, they were to be replaced with other emotions.

Obviously, it was going to be a long season. We were optimistic after the first game as the other team had not truly, in our somewhat misguided opinion, beaten us. Very soon, however, we would find that optimism to be replaced with dread and a season long nausea akin to one associated with Norwalk Virus.